The End, to a New Beginning

The 31st of December, 2010.

The end of not only a year, but a whole decade. It seems like another chapter of another era is winding up. Flashbacks, in the oddest manner, are provoking my memories. It is not as if I'm not prepared to let go. Who said I'm letting go? Nope, I'm moving on. Moving on, and taking a lot with me. Optimism apart, it's for real!

Letting the nostalgia overwhelm me as I go back in time...

I started the new millennium with Oak field Public School's special song Millennium, the future has begun.

I remember splintering my left forefinger three times in a row and falling flat on my face, injuring my nose which still seems to be under the influence and never have recovered from the deformation!

The melody-less tone of a bunch of 9 year olds singing " Oh Canada, our home and native land." every single morning till May '00 still echoes in my ears.

The dawn of 12 July '00, a life changing day it was. I can still feel the breeze through my hair as I rode a bicycle, down the street, regardless the fact that I was going to leave those streets from that day onward.

Yes, I left Mississauga, ON, CA and flew all the way to Sargodha, PN, PAK to lead the next ten years.

The drastic changes, the influence of a whole new dimension of the world.

I had landed on a soil, where being myself wasn't ever going to be enough, and till this very day, I stand by that statement.

Being yourself is never enough, for others. But for yourself, it is and always will be about you.

Through the years, I learnt a lot. I gained a lot, I lost even more.

I was forced to learn a language that I preferred others to speak. I was called names, for being who I was. Well, at least I was a source of entertainment! Whether it was the issue of my weight or my accent. I'm not bothered by being teased anymore, at least a few people get to laugh because of me.

I had to learn the sensitivity of issues like friendship. And yes, judging the book by it's label, is indeed the worst interpretation one could ever make! Calling someone your friend, doesn't make them so. And you don't always have to call someone your friend, who you know, is your friend, and always will be. Some relations are beyond the labels we give them. But, I have understood, that we should consider people like items in a grocery store. Everyone has their own tag, their own company, their own label, their own quality. Brand conscious people prefer some products over the other. Some people like certain products due to certain qualities that suit them. We change our first impressions about anything, twenty times in the first fifteen minutes of the first encounter. Then ten years? Impressions are long gone.

The impact and importance of words beyond actions helped me befriending words instead of humans! Words are a one word oxymoron. They are like that ancient example of roses and thorns, on the same stem.

I found out that blood relations are an excuse to link yourself to a person, who would, otherwise, be a stranger. Maybe, even someone who you'd never ever want to meet in your life. Sometimes, I'm convinced to draw the line, are blood relations really meant to be in my life? Would I have included them in my life if I were given the option?

I was like a phoenix through my school and college life. I burnt myself to ashes, and now, I've regenerated from those very ashes that I burned down to!

The laughs, the tears, the social consciousness, the boundaries and the barriers... Growing up from that ten year old idiot, through the terrible teenage years of being a brat and now being a late-teen young adult on her way to her twenties, not any less than an idiots, though. It was crazy. It was amazing. It was terrible. It was a roller coaster ride that even made me nauseous, it made me cry, scream, laugh, go hysteric. But after the ride, all I could say was; Life is wonderful!

I did not chose my life, but I wouldn't ask for an alternative.

I don't have the picture perfect memories, but whose asking for perfection? It is the imperfection of my life that makes me love everything about it! I've discovered my true self through my life.

My life is like a cardboard box with holes. I live in my own box, and dominate my life with elegance to excellence like the best doll in her doll house. Through the holes, I see beyond my range, the world. The world that I'd love to discover. No, I am not afraid of the big bad world out there. I don't say I'm strong and unbeatable. But, I know I will get up again, every time I fall! I might be too young, I might be too ambitious, I might be too over smart, I might even be obnoxious! That doesn't matter, to me. Why? Because,

I desire, so, I am.

So, from the moment, I came to this country, I went through a lot. Everyone has! But it all lead to the last, and one of the best memories of my life with which I concluded my year. I got the chance to extend a hand out of one hole of my box. I met people from all over the country at an All Pakistan Debate Competition organized by the prestigious Pakistan Air Force Academy. I met people from all over the country. At first, I was terrified! I was depressed. I was torn. I had never been out of my box, my perfect doll house, where I had the limelight. Here, I learned to share the limelight. I've learnt to be moderate, neither selfish, nor selfless. I've learned to intermingle, share, learn, express, impress, listen, and talk! A whole new world beyond my world. It seems like a brand new era is about to dawn upon me with this ray of sunshine as a glimpse.

Whats there in counting the years? What is there in sorrow or joy over the turning pages of a calender?

Life might be a mathematical numerical for some people, to measure in time, days, weeks, months and years. But for me? The moments are all that matter.

Innovation

Love is supposed to be full of surprises... But what if you run out of ideas...??
Creativity and spontaneity spark up our lives!

An Ode to Myself

Oh dearest self,

So here I am...writing again. I seem to have grown out of things. I've grown out of things that I tended to cling to just in order to attain self-security.But then, I figured out, self-security is not attained by external sources, nor can it be acquired by contentment of the external atmosphere. Self-security includes the word "self", and self means you. So no one else is going to make you safe and secure, you are going to make yourself secure.

Understanding myself is the basic key to self satisfaction, thats what I needed. I've been trying to understand myself. But that is technically impossible! Human nature is unpredictable and I am impulsive. This leads to vigorous reaction of something that not even the most learned and skilled psychoanalasysts can predict.

Predictions are things that make you lose your self confidence. You lose the ability to believe that you can do something. you start planning things and force them to go the way you have set your mind to take it. But even behind that plan, you your own force, your own will to do that. Why don't we understand that we are the ones who make and break things? Why do we refuse to accept the responsibility? It is our life and we are the ones who control it. No one else did, is or will.

(originally posted on SATURDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2010 at 06:05am)

The Curious Case of the Human Brain

Writing. One of the expressive mediums that I find, quite amazing and inspiring. It's intriguing, how people can use words to express things in such a beautiful way. Sometimes, the intensity of the words, that the certain topic is discussed with, just awes one's mind. Human brain, is indeed, a wonder, a mystery, that I find delightfully surprising, and shocking. It's insane, how that very brain can create brilliant wonders and gruesome catastrophes! It has also been stated, at many places that people only use about 4% of their brain. Thats scary. Because, if that 4% of the mind can reach such heights of intellect, then I would say, it would frighten, if the rest of the brain worked too. But upto some extent, in one way or the other, the rest of the brain also plays its part, maybe not actively. However, whatever this human brain does, it's eccentric. It amuses me, how some people say that some people are dumb, and don't "use" their brains! I think that even the so called dumb people also use their brains. But just not in the way we expect them to. We force them to use their brains in the direction which their mind refuses to head to.
This mystery is an intriguing one, human brain has conjures thoughts, that will keep this world in a constant thinking input and effecting output process, till the end of time..!

(originally posted FRIDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2010 at 8:53 AM)

I made a mistake & I regret it...

We make mistakes in our life, we all do. And at a certain point in life, when we realize that mistake, we regret it. Some regrets seem to be worth the pain and some mistakes are worth repetition. But in reality, mistakes are called mistakes because they are not supposed to be repeated. The word regret represents resentment, something that is not supposed to be done again and again.
What is the use of putting a plant, in a dark corner and keeping it devoid of the sunlight? It shall only sulk and die away. So shall the person, die in guilt and gloom, of the mistake.
Not everyone has everything is life. The concept of imperfection is created on the basis of lacking. And the way imperfect people strive for attaining perfection is a marvelous process. It is necessary to hope for certain things in life. But to expect that you shall receive that thing, is one step beyond optimism. It is better off to work hard, in order to get the things you want. It seems like an old school thought, hard work and it's reward. But it works, hence the lesson is preached. If it were just another cock and bull story, people would discard it from the conventional norms.
But then, another point of concern is, the state of rejection from the struggle. You dreamed and tried to get something in life, but did not achieve it.

Even now, shall thou not mourn?

Mourning will not bring the thing to you. If mourning was the solution, than many whiners would easily be the most successful people in the world.

Don't consider a crying person, weak. He has been strong for too long.

The tears are a source of self consolation, at certain times. At other times, they are a permanent symbol of failure and refusal to proceed on, with other options of life.
If you are unfortunate enough to not be able to get something after several attempts, then letting go is a better option. You should utilize that energy somewhere else, and get a better reward. This is only our stubbornness that we continuously run after something, which is never meant to be ours. Maybe that thing isn't supposed to be a part of our life? Remember, everyone has their own faith that they may label as faith or religion, I am not intervening anyone's beliefs.
In the situation of regression and failure, it is much better to move on. Life is a constant process of progressing, forcing the process to become static and complaining about moving on, will only make things more complicated. You are the one of the greatest factors that can make or break you. So, wouldn't it be better to make yourself, rather than break yourself?

(originally posted on FRIDAY, AUGUST 13, 2010 at 10:05pm)

Major Depression

Sometimes, in life, we feel miserable. Awfully hopeless. Everything seems to be wrong, and the hopelessness just seems to overwhelm you. The depression dominates all your emotions and you feel like life couldn't be worse. But all you have to do, is search for a source of tranquility. Someone or something that can provide you with hope, give you that spirit back, to live life the way it should be lived.I'm suffering from major depression. At certain points, life seems like a wreck. But then, I always seek refuge in the positivity that life has to offer, and that always gives me hope, no matter how down I am.

(originally posted on SUNDAY, JULY 18, 2010 at 2:16am)

Optimism & Realism

Optimism and realism are tough to sustain in coexistence.
It is easy to say, "be optimistic", "look at the facts" or "keep the reality in mind". People can't forget their reality, even if they want to. But hoping for grand things and having great expectations aren't always valid. Optimism can be defied by reality and vice versa. Both of these things are unpredictable. Yet, if they coexist, they can make life very easier. But maintaining them together, is not easy at all.

Extremism can be fatal

In life, extremism can definitely kill.
Whether it is the positive extreme, or the negative extreme.
When it comes to the negative extreme, it only deduces the beauty of life. It creates havoc. It causes a sense of disability, where every path seems to lead to a dead end and life seems to become stagnant. Which is not a good omen. As life is a symbol of constant journey, constant dynamics. Negativity holds you back to a certain point, where your fear seems to be minimized up to a stable point.
But complete optimism can lead to total lay back attitude. Expecting too much from a certain event can make life very difficult. As quoted, The more the Expectations, The more are the Disappointments. Hence, the blind belief is All is well, and will be well is quite foolish. A mistake that can not be reliable to amend.

Fear

Love.
Or moreover, A Crush.
Infatuation. Obsession. Undeniable attraction.
These things amalgamate to create the most annoying yet amazing sensations that are known to human race.
They drive people from sane to insane. At the same time, these kind of experiences give us a lot of chances in life to drive ourselves back on the path of sanity.
The problem, mainly, in these situations, is to keep your mind focused on anything without relating it to the object that has occupied your mind.
You seem to feel insecure and possessive about the things you love. You suddenly become the protector, as if you own it.
The person or object seems to revolve in your mind. You associate a lot of things with your love.
It's insanity that is simply irrevocable.
That's a part of life, we all face it, and always will.

Father's Day

Father. Dad. Daddy. Papa. Paps.
All these words carry the same denotative meaning. But connotative, only the child knows what the difference between these words is.
An infant is too young to distinctly understand the importance of the moment when his father holds him in his arms while he sleeps. A child is too fussy to understand the importance of the moment when his father holds the back of his bicycle while he is learning how to ride it. A teenager is too bratty to understand the importance of the concern of his father when he interrogates him about his activities. A young adult is to self-dependent to understand the importance of the words of wisdom and guidance that his father offers him when he tests his decision taking abilities. An adult is too self-sufficient to understand the importance of sharing experiences.
And, at any stage of life, a person is too helpless to do anything, once his dad is no longer by his side.
Cherish the moments you get to spend with your father. It's not necessary to always be kind and virtuous. Be yourself. And understand the importance of that. Because your father will always accept you, the way you are. You are, his child, after all, no matter what.
Love you, Dad.
xoxoxox


(originally posted on SATURDAY, JUNE 19, 2010 at 2:55 AM)

First Words

Melancholy. It is one of the most dreadfully haunting things in life, which follows you like a shadow and is as dark as yr shadow's existence is.
Abstract ideas, emotions and feelings can never be defeated, yet can be ignored. As the more you feel them, the more their existence will envelope you. Hence, one has to chalk out ways to out run and go ahead of such obstacles. I seek refuge in writing. Writing about questions, thier possible answers, my life, my feelings, the things from my point of view that I find worth commenting.
Thus, I, am here, behind a framework of words facing each and every entity that claims to exist in this world, as a human being, to convey on my behalf, some things about realities and fantacies, and the gap between them. My concepts may be immature, my view may be weak, I might be too young too unappreciative and extensively criticized. But I am just writing my part in addition to the already brilliant infinity. With no other purpose, other than self-satisfaction more than anything else. Other things comes along and make their way themselves.
So, this is my attempt, the attempt of a seedling in the world, that is striving for it's growth and in process of gaining it's identity as a strong, grandly marked tree, with certain distinction. But at this developing stage, my refection may be seen as I am depicting it in my words through my illustration.

Introduction

Sounds so formal, innit? Introduction, ah.

Yet, it is so important. It is a preface to the cave you are about to enter. It's like checking how deep a ditch is before falling in it. Making sure you know the statistics before the performance.

Anyways, I've been blogging for over a year, yet unfortunately, I had to delete my previous blog before I could import it here. I have saved the entries and will repost it.

Enjoy at your brain's risk. :-)